The Year's Best Headlines (ACTUAL) for 2004

Crack Found on
Governor's Daughter
[imagine that]


Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[ no, really]?


Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far]!


Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!


Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
[no-good- for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!


Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial]!


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think]?


Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thunk it]!


Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something]!




Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?


Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge]!


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough]?


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]


Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy , are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Did I read that sign right?]




In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling